Tagged: Central Park

Masters of Universe

    Mr. Ping: Once I had a dream that I ran away to make tofu. 
    Po: Then why didn’t you?
    Mr. Ping: Because it was a stupid dream.
    Kung Fu Panda (2008)

          Two months since my last update… I wish I could say that I was too busy with my not launched yet business or too involved in my kids gala fundraiser…But the truth is that I just don t know what to write lately because I seem to have become a mere observer of my own family life. 
          I am finding myself energy less and as if I was watching a freaking Street Fighter 6 straight to DVD movie. 
          It is ugly. Pure and Simple. L is hitting P with a wooden pan resulting in her sporting a terrifying black eye for s week, G is slamming the patio door on L’s hand, P is calling G ‘poop’ all day long and so on and so on.
          No rules and no winners; just 2 overtired and overworked referees who get to intervene every 5 seconds to ensure no one actually dies. 
          I am talking about children who manage to turn a picnic in Central Park into a fucking massacre. Let’s rewind to that infamous Saturday that has become our new benchmark for what hell must be like. 
          The scene: Central Park, first real day of spring, jolly mood everywhere.
          Birds are singing, young lovers are giggling, new parents are cuddling their precious baby (poor bastards, they have no idea), flowers are finally blooming everywhere…But me, I get to enjoy SHITE. G has decided that Upper East Side must be more interesting than the west side so took off. Just like that. No good byes,no ‘thanks mom for all your hard work these last 4 years but you guys suck with your middle class picnic basket, I am going to chance it out on my own for a while. Ciao’. Nope, no warning. Gone he was so DH went on his trail. For what seemed eternity. 
          Meanwhile, L climbed into a prohibited area of the park to take a mud bath and step onto precious flora before running in circles so I could not catch him. P had the bad idea of ‘helping out’ by getting inside only to catch the attention of a park ranger who was two words away from giving me a fine but decided that shaming me was probably punishment enough.
          ‘Madam they are your responsibility, you should have never let them get inside in the first place…’

          Thank you Sir. I shall put this piece of advice next to the comment from that ‘I am better than you’ woman who two weeks ago went out of her way to tell me after seeing me struggling with my two boys on the street:
          ‘You have no control, do you? And don’t say it is because you have two of them. It’s no excuse, I had 4.’ 

          Why don t you fucking help me then, bitch??? Instead of judging me. 
          Whatever. 
          Anyway. The first picnic of the season was an EPIC failure. And I am really freaking out about it because I thought nice weather would make my life easier. Throughout the whole winter I was convincing/brainwashing myself ‘be patient, when they can run outside, everything will be different, it will be awesome. You’ll see’. What a fucking disappointment… Worse than the day I lost my virginity. Really. 
          DH and I thus did the unthinkable : flee Central Park on a sunny day. We locked ourselves in our bedroom waiting for the 3 of them to calm the fuck down. They did. Something beautiful happened: they all napped. At the same time. Sigh. They slept 2 hours! 

          Probably co-developing the script for Street Fighter 7: the Apocalypse days….
            
           
           
           

          (Kind of) mellow Fall weekend

          We always have busy week ends because staying in the house is barely an option with 3 hyper active tots and 1 ‘cannot stay inside’ husband. There is this underlying fear that if we don’t do anything we may really kill each other. It is a little bit like a retired couple whose kids are off to college and start crazy bunny booking all these AirBnB places all over the world to avoid getting a divorce.

          ‘Me on my own’ weekends would look like this: sweatpants, slippers, comfort food, TV shows marathon (I would watch anything, absolutely anything… I once got addicted to a girly teen show titled ‘Make It of Break It’, I am such a LOSER), wine, and planning (but failing) to wax.

          But this weekend, we actually had no plans.  Absolutely none. Or so I thought…

          Saturday: Black is Beautiful.

          Breakfast and lunch: no recollection of what we ate. We are now eating all together at week ends and to be honest it looks more like: kids drop-eating, mama swallow-eating and papa scream-eating. People write books and articles about French families taking their time to eat together while calmly talking about Ebola or Bernard Henry Levy…yeah right, not fucking happening in my house.

          Time I took my shower: 1pm; which is so ghetto since we did actually have something we had to go to. How could I forget about P’s first class play date??? Some parents had organized a gathering in Central Park to get to know each other outside the stressful morning school drop also known as ‘please don’t talk to me cause I haven’t brushed my teeth yet’ awkward morning meeting.

          It was great to see all the kiddos play together and actually see that P knew their names. It is impossible to have any idea of what is happening at school because every question we ask my ‘usually cannot shut her mouth’ daughter  is answered by a ‘No’:

          ‘Do you have friends? No.

          Did you enjoy your soccer class? No

          Did you play soccer? No.

          What songs did you learn? No.’

          It got so bad that I seriously started to think that the whole school, after school and extra curricular activities were a big Ponzi scheme because:

          ‘What do you in school then? Sleep, go to the restrooms and eat.’ Okayyyyy then…..

          The plot thickened when many parents shared similar intel. Everyone laughed it out ‘Ha ha these kids are nuts’ but I could feel it, I could see it…Some of us were getting the Carrie Mathison crazy/million of thoughts look ‘Oh my god, what if it was not a school but a cult?’ Mouaaaaa.

          After running 20 blocks after my kids on their scooters, I looked at DH and silently implored ‘let’s get a beer at our local’. Two hours later, we are barging with 3 tots wearing scooter helmets into the anniversary of Bebe noir, a clothing retail store, where African beats are blasting and gorgeous shop assistants are showing us their new collection. P is busting some devil moves on the dance floor, G is ransacking the clothing racks and stealing a blue nail varnish and L…well he has decided to peek into the fitting rooms…Initial high pitch screaming was then followed by a huge ‘Awwwwww’ followed by L finding firm breasts to rest his head on for the rest of the evening.

          Let’s be clear here. I keep telling people that L is not as social as his siblings and very clingy with his mom. Obviously if you do look like Rihanna, he’ll pretend he has no mother nor father. Poor little orphan.  Come to think about it, I should ditch his ass in this store each time I need to do grocery shopping on the other side of the road. I am SO doing this.

          Can I also say that 3 little helmets running around women with long legs in high heels is very stressful??? I kept thinking: bowling, strike, …oh shit!!! I did have 2 pints of beer…I know.

          Time we all went to bed: 11pm

          Sunday: Nikita, I will never be.

          DH got a nasty bug so Black Ops today is Me on My Fucking Own. OK, he did set up a CIA assets bootcamp in our courtyard using all the tents, tunnels, outdoor tricks we have before signing off for the day…but still. It was a lonely, very lonely mission.

          DRONES. EXPLOSION. NO EXTRACTION.

          What did I do? I stared at my legs for a long time thinking shit like:

           ‘I will never buy again from H & M because the sweat pants I got last month were basically disintegrating in front of me (and last time I checked I do not have freaking invisible lazer beam mutant eyes!). ‘

          ‘How long will L keep this fake tattoo on his arm? It’s been 2 weeks. Freaking ridiculous.’

          ‘Who sings that song I have been obsessing about on Spotify? No, no, I cannot ask anyone about it because my taste in music is shitty at best. It is so embarrassing how shitty it is.’

          ‘I am addicted to Instagram.’ 

          ‘Why am I wearing Penelope’s Halloween golden tiara?’

          ‘I wonder what BP (Business Partner) is doing now in Joshua Tree Park?’

          It got really scary when after an hour, I started to have the same thought popping back in an angrier mode like: ‘I am never fucking buying SHIT again from H &M!!!’ 

          Yeah, could never be a spy. Would NEVER pass the solitary confinement test.

          Oh also… time I took my shower: N/A.

          Have a great week everyone!!!

          Some random pics from my weekend…

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          Love letter to New York #2: Central Park

          For the second installment of my New York series, I chose our ‘garden’. I have tried to write how I feel about Central Park but I truly lack the words and the prose. The thing with Central Park is that I thought I knew everything about it because of my addiction to Sex and the City reruns: the horses, the bridges, the rocks, the ponds, the hot dog carts, the cartoonists drawing your portrait while smoking a fag, the bike renters following you until you rent a bike…

          I was SO wrong. The truth is, all this stuff is just the pretty and funny veneer. Other words that non New Yorkers may not connect to Central Park include:
          Shakespeare’s Garden
          Woodlands
          Streams
          The Great Hill
          Skateboarders in the summer
          Snowboarders in the winter
          Reservoir
          Swedish Puppet Theatre
          Petting zoo
          Rollers disco
          Acrobats training
          Lesbians conventions
          Sprinklers

          Central Park has many twists and shades. It moves, dances, it is like a human being. This is the only way I can explain how a park can still surprise the urban ‘I hate trees’ girl I am. After all these years, I still stop in my tracks asking myself: ‘how come I have never seen this rose garden before?‘ in the Summer, or ‘have the trees always been that red?‘ in the Fall, or ‘Did the ice make that pond bigger than it usually is?’ in the cold Winter.

          I have too many memories to share all of them but I will give you one of my first and one of my last:
          –  Thor, Archibald, DH and I packed a picnic in 2 seconds after a sudden thunderstorm interrupted a classical music concert and fled the park alongside a thousand New Yorkers and their thousand colorful umbrellas. Of course we were the only morons without an umbrella. Very dramatic, Very convivial, Very New York.

          – my heart dropped because we had just lost G (again) in the Park. We called out his name to no avail and I kept thinking: ‘it is Central Park, nothing bad can happen here. It is Central Park, it is your haven, nothing bad can happen here’. And yes, he eventually came back appearing behind hundreds of tulips. Safe. 30 minutes later, it was pouring down with rain and we fled the park with 3 tots in tow and NO umbrella…again. Almost got run over by a stroller. Very Over the Top, Very New York.

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