Are my children sociopaths?

“I’m into, oh murders and executions mostly. It depends.” 
― Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho

Disclaimer: this post is not to be taken seriously; it is a humorist way to describe what I have been pondering in the last week or so. It is NOT a serious guide to diagnose mental illness and it is not my intention to offend families who do have loved ones with mental health issues.

You think this is all very extreme?  Well, after a nightmarish week with them I must admit that I did google: ‘How to spot a sociopath?’. The results of my analysis scared me shitless. I do have grounds for concern, I swear. Indeed, according to Psychology Today,  sociopaths demonstrate:

• Superficial charm
  With their little cheeks, big brown eyes, and furtive smiles I must admit that my 3 brats are indeed charming (see photo exhibit at the end of the post). P in particular turns it on and off in a very unsettling fashion. One second she looks like a overfed fish and  .50 second later her eyes are all bright and laughing because …she wants you to give her chocolate.
• Signs of irrational thinking
  In the last week, I have found both G & P ‘sleeping’, all squeezed out between their fitted bedsheets and their bed mattresses because It is not dangerous at all, sic…For them, oxygen is overrated.
• Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations
  L climbs on the edge of the AC unit, walks along it and falls. I scream. He gets up and walks away without making a sound or a tear. He walks away just like a robot.
• Unreliability
  G:’I am going to wash my hands’
  Me:’OK but don’t waste water’
  G:’OK’
  5 minutes later, I unlock the bathroom door because he locked himself in and
  bathroom = swimming pool
• Untruthfulness and insincerity
  The whole apartment smells of poop; I am actually almost dying from holding my breath and I ask:
  ‘G, have you pooped?’
  G: ‘No’
  I check his diaper and it’s full of disgusting crap; it’s even leaked down his leg.
  ‘G, you HAVE pooped!!’
  G eating a biscuit and cooly watching TV: ‘No’
  On a side note, this boy is never going to be clean. EVER.
• Lack of remorse and shame
  I spent Spring to plant flowers and herbs and I am really not a gardener so it is a BIG deal for me. The 3 of them spent their summer pulling everything out. All my hard work in the gutter. DH was really upset for me and tried to shame them; I tried to tell them how sad it made me. They looked straight into my eyes, paused, and then tried to dangle from my bamboo plants…
• Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior
  P looks at her little brother sitting next to her on the couch. Nothing special is happening. He gets up, she looks at him again and pushes him so he flies and crashes on the floor, flat on his face. For no reason whatsoever.
• Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
  L gets his head banged up by a moving swing, falls on his ass, gets up, wobbles, looks at the swing and puts his forehead so that it gets banged up by the swing again. WTF.
• Pathologic egocentricity
  I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT,  I WANT, I WANT, …No further explanation needed.
• Unresponsiveness in major affective reactions
  After trashing the living room I have just tidied up (for the 5th time in 2 hours), P &G don’t usually even look at me before walking towards their bedroom (to trash it, of course). Me, I am usually on the verge of crying.
• Specific loss of insight
  L head butts me in the nose and scratches my face. I think I heard my nose cartilage crack and I might be bleeding. I am screaming from pain. He is pissing himself laughing out loud.What do you guys think of my evidence? Should I start locking my bedroom door at night time?