Working Mama: how many is really a crowd?

Last week I was very busy with different non-baby related projects (hence no blogging).  I cannot go into details about these projects for the moment but let’s just say that I have my fingers in too many pies and by the end of the year either scenario could take place:

–       I will be able to lick the stuffing from most pies out of my fingers, have a busy 2014 year and pocket my first real dollars since 2010

–       One pie will prove tastier, I will jump into it recklessly with the philosophy of ‘no risks, no gains’ and thus drag my whole family into a full-blown entrepreneur drama.

–       All the pies will rot and explode in my face because of the high level of Hydrogen Sulfide and I’ll only have my tears to clean the crust out of my face.

Does this sound cryptic to you? Believe me, it is probably even more confusing in my head right now. Anyway, let’s not play Nostradamus and just get on with it for now, I guess. I don’t know what next year will be but I can tell you what today feels like: Multiple Personality Disorder.

I have always had 2 or 3 people cohabiting in my head since I was ten: Good Me (Little Miss Straight As student), Bad Me (Little Miss I am going to punch everyone in the face) and Plain Crazy Me (Little Miss ‘My whole world is a freaking live Musical’). Nowadays, it feels more like 10 people failing to cohabit and fighting all the time for breadcrumbs. And as for the musical in my head, it sounds more like surreal ‘Jerry Springer Show: The Opera’ than say cute ‘Grease’.

I am aware that it is probably a very common plight among (working and stay at home) moms but I thought the following snapshot may amuse you.

– I have always checked my work emails in the middle of the night and when I was waking up so I knew what my workday would be like. I have never given up on this bad habit even though lately most messages were WordPress notifications about comments or likes on my blog. To these, I now get emails from collaborators on my different projects, from the teachers of the kids’ weekly activities groups, from DH to reminder about this and that (since I am a human Blackberry too apparently), and from myself to remind me about this and that (I do need to work better with that Calendar apps PRONTO). Don’t get me wrong I do LOVE the excitement. However, I am getting increasingly disturbed by the fact that I am on my IPhone emailing or texting away my eyes barely open, with DH snoring near me, L pinching my nipple, G sleeping by my feet and kicking my crotch with his leg and P standing by my bed watching me and making her best impersonation of a  ‘I see DEAD people’ toddler…

– I try to cook the kids’ lunch every morning so I can barricade myself behind the kitchen’s safety gate to work and order baby diapers online while the chicken and veggies ragout simmers. But things got more complicated with the kids’ improved motor skills. Indeed, I am not quick enough to rush out of the kitchen to prevent L from pulling his weenie out of his diaper and spray pee across the room as if he was a freaking firefighter hosing down a fire. Not quick enough either to help G get up onto the toilet as he rushes to the bathroom diaper free…

– I very rarely get showered before 12pm these days. Partly because I am running behind every single thing I plan, and partly because I love that I can be on a Skype business call in my sweatpants. It feels dangerous 🙂 . The main problem is that I do not brush my hair in 4 days either. I thus started to avoid any conversations with my neighbors in the laundry room or in the lobby because I am self-conscious of my potentially very bad odor. They probably think I have started my metamorphosis into ‘The Fly’ or that I am a total social nutcase.

– Pre children I had a very specific routine before an important meeting: I would drink slowly my coffee gazing at the Thames river (I used to have a desk with a view…sigh), read for the thousandth time my meeting preparation notes, go to the restrooms to freshen up, and take deep breaths. These days my routine is: distract the kids, run to hide in my room, lock the door, get out of my room because they are screaming for murder asking for a hug (cute) or for me to clean the poop out of the diaper (because that’s the one thing Mama apparently does waaayyyyy better than the nanny, evil kids…), wash my hands 3 times, get a glass of water, and put a towel at the bottom of the door so they cannot put their hands through the opening like some kind of baby zombies wanting to tear my guts apart.

Things would be kind of OK if I could manage not to lash out at …my mom. Yes, among the different personas in my head, ‘Good daughter’ has been MIA for a while. To my defense, she ALWAYS decides to Skype video in the middle of mini breakdowns. I mean, EVERY time. It’s like she has a fucking sensor. She calls, and wants to see the kids. Of course it’s the middle of the night in France so the kids can only see a shadow in the darkness talking to them in Lao, which they don’t understand, and swearing to them it’s their granny… The Shadow then tells me that I should do everything in my power to prevent my kids from being sick this winter (?), comments on the level of screaming decibels in my house and promises that she really, really wants to early retire to come and help with the kids. So, of course I start yelling, hang up and then feel bad about it. I feel bad for about 1 hour…until my mom’s cousin calls me from France to apply for a position as a cook at my fictional Lao restaurant…What the fuck? As a joke, I told my mom a few weeks ago about opening a restaurant if I could not find a job and now the whole Lao community in France thinks I am planning to be the next ‘Nobu’. Insane, absolutely insane…I am schizophrenic enough as it is, I do not need a knife handling chef persona to join the crew in my head. Nope. Out of my head, you and your toque.

What about you, guys? How many people do you have in your head?

Have a nice week, everyone!

8 comments

  1. Ronan Poupon

    Coucou,

    J ai beaucoup de bonheur a te lire depuis que tu as commencé ton blog. Je suis heureux de voir que malgré ta vie bien remplie de Maman des projets s’offrent a toi. Nos deux garçons ont 4 et 7 ans et cela fait uniquement 2 ans qu’Elisabeth a pu reprendre ses études comme elle le souhaitait. Donc je te tire mon chapeau et je croise les doigts pour que tu puisses goûter et choisir parmi toutes les tartes en cours de cuisson. Concernant le nombre de mes pensionnaires cérébraux, je crois qu’on est 3 ou 4… ;-), il y a “moi je me remets en cause” (je suis pas fait pour ce job, ou je ne suis pas un bon mari-papa-fils, etc…), ensuite quand je suis perdu au milieu de la jungle, je sors le coupe-coupe et je deviens ” moi je tiens la baraque ” ( on règle les problèmes un a un et on y arrivera) et il y a “moi verre à moitié plein”, celui que j essaie d être le plus souvent… En fait, c est un peu moins cacophonique mais un peu plus cyclique que toi certainement 😉

    Gros bisous a vous 5

    Ronan

    Envoyé de mon iPhone

    >

    • redlipstickmama

      Tres contente d’avoir de vos nouvelles!!! Et merci pour tes mots d’encouragement, fingers crossed indeed. J’aime tes 3 ‘roomies’ et je t’imagine bien dans une jungle a débroussailler. Je me dis que finalement malgre la distance on vit des choses bien similaires et vivement qu’on se revoit autour d’un verre, vos 4 toi et mes 10 moi hihihi Bises a vous 4!

  2. reversecommuter

    Brilliant!
    I too am an ace poop cleaner upper that would make all other potential contenders shudder…or atleast that is why I think the nanny gets a free card on this.
    Baby zombies – awesome and accurate visual!
    Hope this week is a kindler, gentler yet still funny and successful one for you!

  3. Maison Bentley Style

    Am utterly with you! Going through all this Blog change..with the kids off for half term! it’s good job I don’t have webcam to expose the ruins of my house…the very best of luck with your ventures – can’t wait to hear about it! xxx

    • redlipstickmama

      Haha, it’s funny because at some point I was thinking about adding a video element to my blog. I am glad I did not because not only my house is in ruins but so is my face! Thanks for your good wishes; I am still at the ‘ideation’/vision phase so fingers crossed things will materialize soon. xo

  4. Bronwyn Joy @ Journeys Of The Fabulist

    Wow, craziness!

    Ok. I definitely heard something familiar in both the barricading-in-kitchen and the firefighter-penis thing. Good times 🙂 .

    I can’t believe an off-the-cut remark led to a job application from a far-away relative. I’d say you need to start being careful about what you say, only it seems to have gone beyond that to the point where all bets are off and you may as well say what you like.

    Hopefully your mum has forgiven you by now. I’m sure she remembers what it’s like.

    And good luck on your mysterious work ventures. They sound… mysterious.

    • redlipstickmama

      I know, right? Sometimes I think it’s just me being mental but after writing it down I realize that people around me do surely contribute to the madness of my life 🙂 My mom will be fine, she’s probably used to it by now…Hopefully. As for my mysterious ventures, it’s more about not tempting faith and jinxing it all before it even started so hope I can share more soon!
      xo

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