Craig Schwartz: There’s a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It’s a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich’s eyes… and then after about 15 minutes, you’re spit out… into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Spike Jonze, Being John Malkovitch (1999)
Some people say that moms are the best project managers because they are awesome at multi-tasking. In my case, god knows how I manage to achieve any tasks when it seems that there are at least 10 distinct people talking in my head all the time. The worst part of this? I am not sure any of these 10 people is actually sane. Let me share with you without sugar coating what I have been thinking in the last 15 minutes. I let you be the judge. Wacko or not?
‘I can’t believe that my girlfriends Sarah and Lola are coming over for a life swap week end tonight. Them here in Harlem with the kids, DH and I in Park Slope, Brooklyn. They are…’
‘Kids, stop messing with the laundry I have just finished sorting out or I am going to bite you!’.
‘Why did I fucking fall asleep during the Spurs-Miami playoff game. What a buzzer beater shot by Parker! How tall is he anyway? Maybe G can become a NBA point guard?’
‘I have to buy some mince chicken and baby wipes. Or should I just tell the girls to feed them pizza all week end? No cooking and great for constipation’.
‘Do I really believe that social enterprise is the business model of the future? Or did I just say this to my mother-in-law to challenge her?’
‘L’s birthmark on the cheek is getting big…hmmm when should I start worrying?’
‘I am going to be verbally abused by the Lao people at my brother’s wedding in 3 weeks time. I need to be ready. 50% of them last saw me at my wedding when I was 12lbs lighter. I wonder what they are going to say: ‘what a shame, you used to be skinny ‘ or ‘darling, it’s all the beer you drink’ ?
‘I have to make a kids pool toys list for Tess for our vacation together in Corsica’.
‘My dad is 70 today. He is old. I should talk to him more often.’
‘I am going to have to reschedule that 10am Skype work meeting to some time this week end. DH is going to kill when he learns that I am bringing the laptop all the way to Brooklyn.’
‘It is not fair that I ask P what happened after a fight with G because she talks better than him. She could be lying and he’d be punished for no reason. I will encourage him to give his side of the story even if I cannot understand a freaking word he says. Language IS power.’
‘I really, really, want to find a job by the end of the summer!’
‘Pff, my favorite blue summer maxi dress is full of breast milk stains. I washed it 10 times already. When should I give up ?’
‘I need to order some food online for our dinner with Thor and Archibald tomorrow night. Does Archibald like mint?’
‘I should probably call Sarah to tell her that P has breath holding spells episodes…ok this can wait tonight’.
‘I am kind of pissed off by this video on Facebook in which a young lady is being belittled and practically sexually abused by a TV host while she is talking about wage cuts. All this on French national television and everyone seems to think it’s normal. Disgusting.’
‘Enough with this rain already. Depressing. How long will it take to get a banh mi sandwich delivered to me? Gotta love manhattan. Food access 24 hours a day.’
‘L is so cute…but who am I kidding? He is so going to keep his pacifier until he is 10. I need to make peace with it’.
‘I am going to cut my hair. Slash it, just like that. Have to get it done pronto before I lose my head and shave it a la Britney’.
‘I want to be a Knicks season ticket holder again. How many game tickets do I need to resell to break even?’
‘Potty training is not working. G had poop in his diapers for ages and is not bothered at all. P just peed on the floor and seemed proud.’
‘Maybe I should really launch my own company to get a job.’
‘DH told me yesterday he was happy he had an esoteric relationship with both his grandpa and his nephew. I need to google what it really means. I thought he said episcopal…which is why I had this blank stare’.
‘We are so not having sex at Sarah and Lola’s. Totally creepy and inappropriate, right?’